Assignment 8 - Bird-Pollan

Fears:

Failure, disappointing others

Annoyances:

Apolitical people, people who hate others for enjoying things whether they're cliche or not

Accomplishments:

It's hard for me to admit accomplishments often, but it's something I'm trying to get better at. I'll get back to you on this one.

Confusions:

People who lie just out of boredom/for fun.

Sorrows:

I get lonely quite often. Also the idea that I can never meet some people just out of sheer coincidence; some people are always just out of reach. Sometimes I can't help someone. 

Dreams:

I dream of a life where I'm not trapped in my mind all the time.

Idiosyncrasies:

I don't really like fast food.

Risks:

I go running in the mornings; a few mornings ago a man followed me almost all the way home, now I have to watch out for him when I go running (I don't know if this is technically considered a risk; other than this I'd have to say I don't really take many risks.).

Beloved Possessions Then:

A blanket I got when I was born I carried around with me until I was about 6.

Beloved Possessions Now:

Letters my friends write me.

Problems:

I have a mental illness called Major Depressive Disorder and another one called Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Both of these have made my quarantine really hard and I haven't been able to do as well in school because I haven't been able to see people I like which usually motivates me to get the grades I think I can get.

I fear failure. I don't know when this fear came about, but I can probably tell you why. I was always very high strung as a kid. My mom always tells me this story when talking about my anxiety:

You took standardized tests in elementary school. One day, you came home from school and did your homework, just like normal. We had dinner and watched a show, just like normal. Your dad tucked you into bed at 8:30, just like normal. You didn't fall asleep. You tossed and turned, and, eventually, you came downstairs crying. It was around 10:00. You said, "[My elementary principal] is counting on me. What if I let her down?" 

"She shouldn't have said it like this, of course," she always adds at the end. I'm starting to hear the story as a horror story. At 8 or 9 years old, I was so anxious I couldn't sleep? I was so scared of letting my elementary school principal down that I cried? I have a hard time fathoming this now. If my child comes downstairs one night with these same concerns I don't know what I would do. I'm scared of how long these failure and disappointment demons have been on my shoulders and how long they will continue to stay there.